November 12, 2009

It's pretty safe to say I would rather vomit horseshit than watch the Fourth Kind again. In fact I think the act of vomiting horseshit would be a relief compared to going through the ordeal that is Fourth Kind just one more time. At least with the horseshit vomiting you feel it coming, you get that nauseous feeling. It starts to come up your throat and finally profusely out of your pie hole. With the vomiting of horseshit there is a release, a light at the end of the tunnel, the horseshit exits your body and life can continue. With the Fourth Kind, there is never a release, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. The end of the tunnel in fact is a brick wall made of horseshit. At the end you smack right into it and you never get out. You never get that hour and thirty eight minutes back! Its forever encapsulated in a tunnel of horseshit forever mocking you!

We all know studios put out similar movies at the same time...if you don't know just take a look. What made me wanna see this movie is probably due to how much i enjoyed Paranormal Activity. Much like that movie, Fourth Kind bills itself as a film with "real footage", although in Fourth Kind it's "real" footage mixed with "re-enactment" stuff. The real footage is sorta believable until you meet Milla Jovovich's characters "real" self. The "real" interview footage of the "real" Abbey Tyler is pure garbage. It's so poorly acted and overplayed at parts that no human being could really act in such a way, unless they are pretending to act and CAN'T. The movie is lame, that's very obvious in my mind, but this actress, whoever she is, cannot even deliver lines with any shred of validity or believability. Nothing about her seems authentic, but that's really just the icing on this cake of smelly smelly horseshit.


Very often you go to a movie because there is something in the trailer that sparks your interest. In the trailer for this film I saw a few little things here and there that interested me. Like most of us, I figured I'd see it expecting to see all of these interesting things, plus a whole lot more. Well I was wrong, I was dead wrong. What you see in the trailer is what you get. Nothing more, if anything you get less. How so, you ask?! You get less because you lose an hour and a half of your life and ten dollars to boot. If you merely just watched the trailer you'd be ten dollars richer and an hour and a half of your life woulda been saved from that horseshit dead end tunnel I mentioned before. I found nothing of value you here, nothing was gained or learned that couldn't have been taken from the trailer. I guess maybe that in itself is impressive? Impressively shitty.

Not even the bruises left on the people after their "abductions" are anything worth seeing...


My dad used to beat me and leave me with worse bruises than that. I mean damn, can you guys even see that shit? I can barely see it, might need to turn up the contrast. Now I'm all for being subtle but at the same time you gotta deliver. That bruise looks like she scraped her shoulder walking through a doorway or maybe she just look at it the wrong way.

Fourth Kind is what I'd like to call a "BLUE BALLS" film. It never delivers, it never satisfies, it just exists in the world, hovering about like a UFO in the air, except its brown and made of pure HORSESHIT!

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