December 21, 2009

Me and Jamie (that's my girlfriend) decided to rent a movie from blockbuster, she suggested Adventureland. I don't know why. I think on some sick sadistic level she knew in her heart it was going to be a train wreck and she wanted to witness it. It's like that tool song, Vicarious, we just like to watch horrible things occur, vicariously we watch as things die. Adventureland is a horrible thing, it's like watching Faces of Death but maybe only worse, because the reality of Faces of Death is questionable but the acting in Adventureland is a reality and that scares the living shit outta me.

The film stars two actors who I have never really seen go out of their range, especially the male lead. This dingle-berry, Jesse Eisenberg, is the definition of a one note actor and that note never seems to work for me, except when he starred in The Squid and the Whale, which I thought was a really great film. I think his smarter than thou, off beat style works in that film due to the context in which its found. In The Squid and the Whale, Eisenberg is the son of parents who are very educated and in the middle of a divorce. It works that their children seem abnormally well spoken and well learned for their age.

In Adventureland, and many of the other films I've seen with Eisenberg, I would rather have seen Michael Cera, who some often compare to him. Regardless, this was just a long-winded way for me to say Eisenberg is a one note actor and in the span of cinema history he will be forgotten. If an actor plays the exact same way in every movie, is he really an actor?!

On the back cover of the movie it says how Eisenberg's character didn't get his dream summer vacation in Europe but it turns out working at Adventureland turned into the "BEST SUMMER EVER!" I find this hard to believe, mainly cause the dude barely smiles in the movie or shows any signs of life at all. He's like a dude in a hospital bed, stuck in a coma and watching this film is a test of euthanasia for the viewer! Should I let this kid live or pull the plug on my fucking TV?!

K Stew (Kristen Stewart) is in this movie too. Much like Eisenberg, K Stew seems to play things safe, never going out of that one note tune that is K Stew, queen of awkward energy. I think some may find her awkward nervous energy to be somehow genuine and intriguing. Regardless, putting Stewart and Eisenberg together really adds up to be a big awkward lack of entertainment that drains on and on, did I mention euthanasia?

One last thing that really chaps my ass, these kids drank and drank, and smoked joint after joint and never did anything fun or exciting. You'd think with all those drugs and alcohol maybe something entertaining would happen but it doesn't, at all, ever! I'm not saying you need drugs or alcohol to have fun but I would think maybe it would help these poor souls. They never even seem to get drunk, I swear these mother fuckers must have been drinking some of that O' Doul's shit.

Anyway, if you think you'd find enjoyment in watching kid's do pretty much nothing for 107 minutes then this movie is for you! Go down to your local blockbuster or update that Netflix queue of yours and get ready for a whole big steaming pile of nothing!

Also in BLOG


December 11, 2017

One of the best things I've seen in a long time.

Happiness from Steve Cutts on Vimeo.

View full article →

The Beginning: Making Episode 1
The Beginning: Making Episode 1

January 09, 2016

It's not a secret that Star Wars Episode 1 is not only a horrible Star Wars movie, it's just a horrible movie in general. Sitting through it is a task, it's so dense and filled with boring political plot points, bad acting and computer graphics. It feels more like an ILM portfolio showcasing CG techniques rather than a film.

I can remember as a kid watching it for the first time and leaving the theater confused. I thought maybe I wasn't watching as careful as I should have been? I dunno what it was but I felt like I missed something because, its Star Wars, isn't it supposed to be good? I thought, "Did I just black out for most of that movie? Was I daydreaming the whole time?" I begged my parents to take me again, so I could see what I surely missed but they wouldn't take me. I had to wait for it to come out on video when I finally realized that it wasn't just me, this shit really does just suck.

View full article →

Cromags' John Joseph

December 05, 2015

View full article →