March 07, 2010

Tim Burton is less of a director these days than he is a brand. I look at his new film, Alice In Wonderland as a horrible callabo gone wrong. It seems as though studios think that people want to see classic films redone in the "Tim Burton" brand fashion. So they remake the movie, with some weird zainy ass shit, and everybody moseys on down to the local theater to watch it. I don't know why we want to see Tim Burton redo "Alice In Wonderland", maybe we envision a dark, creepy, interesting alternative to the classic. Maybe we think that Tim Burton learned his lesson with Planet of the Apes and Willy Wonka. He can't make another crappy remake can he? OH YES HE CAN AND HE DID. WATCHING THIS SHIT WAS A FUCKING TORTUROUS EXPERIENCE, AN EXERCISE IN WITHSTANDING BOREDOM UNABRIDGED!

I don't know where to start with this movie. I think what bothers me the most is that I can't say anything that happened in the movie that warrants its running time. A full length two hour movie that doesn't really do anything but show off some visuals. I really feel like everything in the movie, almost every advancement in story and Alice's journey served to only satiate some computer graphic artists at Disney. Well, I hope they got to let their jizz canons loose cause I know I didn't get to blow any load whatsoever.

And damn, what a boring movie this must have been to make, think about acting in front of a fucking green screen for months. I guess they can't complain when they're getting paid more than I'll probably make in my whole lifetime. After this movie I snuck into The Crazies, and I was relieved that there was actual scenery, not something made in a computer.

Alice goes here, then goes there, she gets tall and short, and then tall again. She gets stuck there and then gets out here, she does this and then does that. The whole film just feels like a serious of actions and scene changes that just don't really have any feel behind them, it really just felt cold. As I said before, the story in this film is secondary. I'd rather not even call this a film, it really works better as a screensaver.

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