November 18, 2010

Maybe it's just me, but I often dreamt of a day in which a film would be released that focused on 3 people being surgically attached ass to mouth. I know I can't be the only one who lived every day with such a fantasy in the back of their head. Lucky for you and me, The Human Centipede has made our dreams a reality and, better yet, its on Netflix "Watch Instantly".

It all starts with two new york slut bags, played by two exceptionally bad actresses, who are traveling on a european vacation.  Their Volkswagon gets a flat tire in the middle of the woods at night and, of course, they discover there is no cell phone signal. This situation can never be good, at best you walk around and get lost in the woods at night or sit and talk to your slut bag friend about how many guys she slept with in the past hour. At worst, you get attached ass to mouth with your best friend and some Japanese stranger man. It's just not gonna end well either way but unlucky for them the later happens.

Surprisingly the most horrifically disgusting part of the film for me wasn't even seeing three people attached ass to mouth on their knees to form a "human centipede". Strangely, that sat way to well with me. Rather, it was seeing an IV being ripped out of this young woman's arm that irked me. Just thinking of it now is making me feel light headed and queasy.

The evil doctor surgeon dude in this film is a real sick twisted mudda fucka. They really found a great guy to play this role, I almost believe he ain't even acting at all. This guy just has that sort of face that screams "I like to surgically attach people ass to mouth, and watch the front person shit and have their fecal matter pass through the second person in the chain and out of the last person's rectum." Kinda like that rumor that Max Schreck in Nosferatu was actually a vampire, this guy is probably actually one sick twisted bastard.

I was kinda looking forward to seeing the human centipede escape and try to live life as normal as possible. I could see it now, the human centipede trying to get the best angles for their facebook pics, maybe make it look like they are all just hanging out, really close, with their mouths on each others asses.  Maybe they could try and play it off like they are involved in some perverse Twister game. I had visions of them trying to explain their interesting condition on Craigslist's "men seeking women" or should they be under "women seeking men", I guess both. I can see the back two broads giving the Japanese guy post-it notes telling him to cut down on the fiber and coffee.  But alas, this is only the "first sequence", maybe all the above will be addressed in the next sequence. One can only hope.

Anyway, I can't really suggest this movie cause it was pretty fuckin shitty. There really isn't any redeeming qualities worth mentioning. I guess if you're in need of some ass to mouth action then this film will definitely quench that thirst though. Otherwise, don't bother.

Also in BLOG


December 11, 2017

One of the best things I've seen in a long time.

Happiness from Steve Cutts on Vimeo.

View full article →

The Beginning: Making Episode 1
The Beginning: Making Episode 1

January 09, 2016

It's not a secret that Star Wars Episode 1 is not only a horrible Star Wars movie, it's just a horrible movie in general. Sitting through it is a task, it's so dense and filled with boring political plot points, bad acting and computer graphics. It feels more like an ILM portfolio showcasing CG techniques rather than a film.

I can remember as a kid watching it for the first time and leaving the theater confused. I thought maybe I wasn't watching as careful as I should have been? I dunno what it was but I felt like I missed something because, its Star Wars, isn't it supposed to be good? I thought, "Did I just black out for most of that movie? Was I daydreaming the whole time?" I begged my parents to take me again, so I could see what I surely missed but they wouldn't take me. I had to wait for it to come out on video when I finally realized that it wasn't just me, this shit really does just suck.

View full article →

Cromags' John Joseph

December 05, 2015

View full article →