February 08, 2011

The Rite is about this shit head snot nose priest in training named Michael.  He gets offered classes in exorcism and of course he takes them, any sick bastard would and he's no exception. Heck, who am I kidding?  If they offered classes on exorcism when I was in college, you best believe I'd be the first kid to sign up for that shit.

Anyway, at about 10 or so Michael was painting the nails on his mothers corpse as his dad was kissing on her big cold dead head.  His father was a mortician and I guess he figured he might as well save some money and have the funeral for his deceased wife himself, talk about D.I.Y.   Michael grows up to become a mortician and I suppose his ideas on death, life and religion are a bit fucked up after cleaning up dead bodies all day.  After training to become a priest he realizes his lack of faith is stopping him from fully committing.  So what does his teacher suggest?!  "Why not try and become an exorcist, ya sick faithless bastard!?"

So Michael goes to Rome for these classes but he's a cynical prick who doesn't wanna believe in the whole exorcism thing.  His teacher sends him over to Father Lucas, a renowned exorcist played by Anthony Hopkins, so he can see some possessions first hand.  The plan is to show him a real world possession so he stops being such a doubter/hater.  It doesn't really work out though, in fact he seems to be hating on the exorcism game even more.

Michael really just doesn't wanna believe in jack shit.  For example, this young possessed prego girl starts speaking in a different voice and vomiting up blood and nails but, oh no, that's not weird, right?  At least not to this guy.  He's the type of guy that would walk into a room with the walls bleeding and the furniture levitating while in flames and chalk it up to bad weather and a headache.

He only starts to believe when possessed people predict his fathers actual death and a horse with red eyes is chilling outside his crib.  When you got a horse with completely red eyes sitting outside your house you know shit is going south of heaven.

Anyway, the movie was kinda slow and it never really got too scary either.  At one point, Anthony Hopkins' character explains how the devil doesn't want to fully reveal himself because he rather you think that he doesn't exist.  Much like the Devil, The Rite doesn't really deliver the goods and I wish I could make myself believe it didn't exist.  This movie is like someone giving you a 6 foot tall spoon for a small cup of soup, it's just pointless.  It just doesn't work.

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