February 24, 2011

Everybody I know that has seen Taken really dug it.  I mean, what's not to like?  A middle-aged father's daughter gets kidnapped and he must kick everybody's ass until he finds her.  Sounds pretty entertaining and kinda hilarious to me!

It's no surprise that the same sick bastards that enjoyed Taken would want to see Unknown.  Seems like a similar plot, don't it?  Man has shit stolen from him and then man must kick everybody's ass till he gets it back.  In this film, it's his identity that has been robbed from him so you'd think he would have to kick even more ass to get it back.  And if you thought that, then you're WRONG.

Every time he is asked for his ID he should snap a neck or stab someone in the stomach but he doesn't.  He is so well mannered and plays by the rules the whole time.  It's like Taken but the dude is straight pussy.

So, you pay 10 bucks or so, and get all excited ready for this dude to just rip everyone a new asshole but to you and everybody's surprise he don't rip many a new at all.  "Surprise" is probably not even the best word to use either because it often conjures up thoughts of pleasant surprises.  But this isn't pleasant at all.  Watching this movie is not unlike sitting bare-ass naked on a fucking bed of nails!  No wait, its worse!  Watching this fucking movie is like being bare-ass naked, getting covered in feces and then being thrown from a full story window and landing full force on a bed of rusty dirty nails with aids blood sprinkled on em, all while you're on acid having the worst trip of your life ever!

This movie is about a dude who travels to a foreign country, gets into a car accident, bumps his big dumb head and wakes up four days later in the hospital.  When he finally reunites with his wife she doesn't even know who he is and there's is another dude claiming to be him.  Sounds like most marriages to me so I don't see the big deal but hey, whatever.  He's all freaked out and you think, man, this guy is just gonna lose it and assholes are just gonna get ripped left and fucking right.  Just an old fashioned a-hole ripping rampage.  So you wait for the fighting and you wait and you wait, then you fall asleep, wake up and then wait some more.  But nothing, nothing at all happens.

This guy just wanders the streets like a small child walking into the movie halfway asking everyone around him, "What's going on?"  It's pathetic and repetitive.  I felt like I watched the same scenes over and over.  I dunno how many times this dude crossed paths with his fake impostor or how many times he tried to convince people he was the real Martin Harris.  I kinda wished that "Will the real slim shady please stand up?" would play over him unleashing holy hell on all these non-believer fucks!  "Will the real "Martin Harris" please stand up!?  Please stand up!"

My god, I wish I was just exaggerating here but I'm not.  Watching this movie in its entirety is a test of one's will.  Its relentlessly repetitious and boring, it's unforgiving.  They should have called this movie "Unforgiving".

And then it happens, after waiting for about an hour and 45 minutes Martin Harris turns bad-ass for about 30 seconds and then the movie ends.  What. The. Fuck?!

So take a tip from me.  If you're expecting another Taken, don't even bother.  If you are a sadomasochist and you enjoy pain and suffering, I will highly recommend this movie to you!  I would also suggest you preorder the Blu-ray as well cuz you're gonna love this shit.

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