FREE SHIPPING ON U.S. ORDERS OVER $66.6

BATTLE: LOS ANGELES

March 29, 2011

Ahh yes, another movie about some end of the world scenario. We are so fascinated with "the end". I really think in some sick demented way some of us just want it all to go down in a blaze of glory, some real horror show stuff. People just like to watch epic shit, regardless of it being good or bad.

Battle LA is about aliens that come to earth and just fuck our whole shit up. The marines are sent into LA to try and defend it. Of course before all the cool shit happens, we have to endure a little back story on every character so hopefully when they die you, the audience, will give a crap. But I promise you won't because the only thing you'll be caring about is how much longer till the fucking credits roll. You won't care that some dude just died that had this or that going on in his life prior to this alien invasion. You're only concern will be wondering when this horribly monotonous piece of lame ass shit is gonna end so you can go back to your own life and pretend it never even happened!

Once you get enough knowledge about these guys to feign sadness when they die, the action begins. The marines are sent out into the streets of LA, which has by now become a scene that makes the Rodney King riots look like child's play. From this point on you are subject to what I can only describe as an hour and forty minute cut scene from a videogame. It just doesn't seem to let up, there doesn't seem to be any real story either. Story is thrown out the window the second the troops hit the streets. All that is left is pure unadulterated action and army male machismo bullshit.

There is nothing more mundane than a film filled with endless action. I like frosting on my cake, I like to get my drank on and I've even come to enjoy a little pain from time to time but that don't mean I wanna eat only frosting for the rest of my life while being shit faced drunk vomiting endlessly with a headache as people stab me with needles! There is a breaking point, there is a line where too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing and Battle LA is a very bad thing.

This is also one of those movies where there are about three solid moments in the film where it could have ended but didn't. Three parts where, if the credits rolled after any of them, everyone would be satisfied and think nothing of it. But it doesn't end, it just doesn't fucking end!  There's just explosion after explosion, corny pep-talk after corny pep-talk. It's so fucking repetitive and unrelenting. It really just eats away at your soul, I swear I started to get claustrophobic sitting in the theater. The walls started closing in on me. If you ever wanted to watch a two hour cut scene from a videogame about marines battling aliens then look no further you fucking dingbat, this one's for you.






Also in BLOG

HAPPINESS

December 11, 2017

One of the best things I've seen in a long time.

Happiness from Steve Cutts on Vimeo.

View full article →

The Beginning: Making Episode 1
The Beginning: Making Episode 1

January 09, 2016

It's not a secret that Star Wars Episode 1 is not only a horrible Star Wars movie, it's just a horrible movie in general. Sitting through it is a task, it's so dense and filled with boring political plot points, bad acting and computer graphics. It feels more like an ILM portfolio showcasing CG techniques rather than a film.

I can remember as a kid watching it for the first time and leaving the theater confused. I thought maybe I wasn't watching as careful as I should have been? I dunno what it was but I felt like I missed something because, its Star Wars, isn't it supposed to be good? I thought, "Did I just black out for most of that movie? Was I daydreaming the whole time?" I begged my parents to take me again, so I could see what I surely missed but they wouldn't take me. I had to wait for it to come out on video when I finally realized that it wasn't just me, this shit really does just suck.

View full article →

Cromags' John Joseph

December 05, 2015

View full article →