September 29, 2011

Space travel, man!  Now that some crazy shit. I've thought about space travel a lot in my time, especially traveling to the moon. Some people think we never really got there but, if we did, it is the most amazing thing to me. Imagine standing on the moon and looking back at this big blue ball that is your home. To be standing on the thing you used to stare up at every night, imagine that. Now imagine as you're standing on it some spider-like creatures are trying to eat your face off. This is the basic premise of Apollo 18.

I bet you thought there was only 17 Apollo missions, didn't you? Well I'm sorry but you thought wrong and that makes you a fuckin idiot asshole. There was actually an 18th Apollo mission, ya big dummy! Luckily for us, there this shitty fake-documentary-ish fuck of a film to "prove" it. Whoopty fucking doo! I guess now I'll tell you all the reasons as to why I think this film sucks Rasputin's pickled cock.

You know what really grinds my gears about some films? I hate when there's a lot of build up with little to no pay off. I call these "blue balls" movies.  Unfortunately, Apollo 18 is most definitely a prime example of this.

The whole time the film is building this atmosphere that's both eerie and suspenseful. There's a lot of shots where you think something in the background is going to happen but it often doesn't. The film teases the ever loving shit out of you and makes you stay involved as a viewer hoping that all the build up will pay off.  It ultimately doesn't and the end of the film is pretty predictable.

If I was making this film I would have had the humans land on the moon and get captured by the moon creatures. There would be a slight struggle in which one of the humans would utter "Get your hands off me you damn moon creature!" Then the moon creatures would take the humans to their master, Bob the Almighty King of The Moon Creatures. He would give the humans but two choices and two choices only.  In fact, the moon creatures only ever give two choices when giving out choices and they are always an offer one cannot refuse.  The humans could either return to earth without their testicles or keep their testicles but return to earth with some moon creature eggs that will ultimately hatch initiating the moon creatures take over of planet earth. We all know how selfish humans are and out of all humans it may in fact be the Americans who are the most selfish of all. It would be clear what decision they would make. So they land on planet earth with all testicles accounted for and with about 175,000 spider-like moon creature eggs in the cargo bay. The eggs hatch and the proverbial shit hits the mutha fuckin fan! The epic battle that would ensue would be an orgasmic firefight that would make any action film fan cream his pants and cry out in sheer joy!

Instead, we have this slow building film that builds up to nothing that's worth the wait.  It's not very scary either. After the movie I was walking to my car and I realized I lost my keys, this inconvenience was scarier than the whole film.

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