November 18, 2011

The year is 2161 and Justin Timberlake, from the boy band NSYNC, is now living in a society where people don't age past 25.  In an effort to enforce population control, the new form of currency is time.  When you run out of time, you die!  So people have to bust their sorry asses working in shit hole factories just so they can live to work another day.  Essentially there's not much difference between that world and our reality here in 2012, cept we all get old, wrinkly and ugly.  Yuck!

So Justin Timberlake meets this rich dude that has a centuries worth of time.  Now considering that JT lives in the hood and most people are as happy as a pig shit with a just one days worth of time, well...let's just say that having a century makes this dude a baus (boss to the layman).

So, JT saves this rich dudes life from these gang dudes and he's all like "hey dude, that was cool that you did that shit for me cause if you didn't I'd be like all dead and shit".  He then let's JT drink from his flask and JT does but he can't handle the sauce and is all like "damn, homie.  Da fuck is that, liquid fire?". And the dude is all like "shut up and drink it, you pussy ass ho!". So JT does and they talk about how this whole time system is bullshit and how the rich have so much time and the poor have none and it just ain't fair.

In the morning, the dude wakes up and gives all his time to Justin Timberlake because he's already lived over a hundred years.  Anyone that lived over a hundred years would realize that this whole life thing can get pretty BORING, so he let's the final minutes of his clock run out.  JT wakes up and he realizes all the time he has and is inspired to use his time to rage against the machine, if you will.

Anyway, JT turns into a totally new guy with all these new skill sets out of nowhere.  It makes no freakin sense whatsofuckingever!  For example, this fool goes to the rich neighborhood where everyone is mad slow cause they got all the time in the world.  They drive fancy cars, eat good and wear nice clothes...ahem, the 1%.  He goes to the casino there and plays poker with this dude that just so happens to be the owner of the largest time bank in the land and just so happens to be older than 100!

What's weird is he plays poker like a world champion.  It's the first hand of the game and he's going all in with 30 seconds left to live...and he wins!  How does a dude in his late 20's, who lived in the slums his whole life, beat a guy who is older than 100 and spends his free time playing poker in fancy casinos.  And let's just say for arguments sake that JT was that good.  It's like okay, why weren't you playing poker all along, you dumb fuck?!  Your poor mother died because ya'll didn't have no goddamn time but I guess you didn't think about that you selfish prick.  I guess you didn't care about mother, you were too busy chasing pussy and hanging out at shit hole bars in the ghetto.  Damn, JT you were so wholesome in NSYNC.  You fell off.

If that's not weird enough, JT is also a master at many other things.  A dude from the slums, that probably never drove a fast car in his life, all of a sudden can out drive anyone.  He even out drives the timekeepers (they are essentially the cops of this society).  Maybe I'm missing something here?  Does just having time make you badass at everything possible?!

I mean, I know its a movie but where is the fucking logic, man!  One second he is just a mild mannered Justin Timberlake and then the next he is John McClane.  I mean seriously, he can disarm multiple men and then beat the ever loving shit out of all of them.  JT will be sitting at a desk with two men pointing guns at his big stupid ass head and he'll get out of it unscathed.

You ever watch a movie and just think to yourself or even scream out loud, "Cmon!  That would never happen!". Well this movie is just an endless string of those fucking moments.  JT drives his car through walls, no problem!  The cars tires blow out and the vehicle goes careening off the road flipping multiple times into a ditch, no problem!  JT and his lady friend just take a little nap and they are fine!  JT is in a life or death arm wrestling match with a ganglord while four men are ready to kill JT even if he wins!  You guessed it, no problem!  JT is a veritable mind reading, ass beating, race car driving psychopath and there's no rhyme or reason why.

Even his lady friend brings up the point in mid car chase.  She asks him something like, "Do you even know how to drive?"  To which he answers "What's not to know?". What the fuck does that even mean?!  God damn you, Justin Timberlake.  This isn't fair you fucking prick!  You got it all, you're making the rest of us look like fucking peons.  No girls are gonna wanna fuck any of us after they see you in this awful piece of shit film.  You self serving prick!

There were once heroes that trained and studied to become who they are.  They honed their skills, there was a reason why they were badass.  Indiana Jones studied archeology for years, since he was a young boy.  He spent his life exploring ancient temples riddled with intricate booby traps.  Bruce Lee spent his whole life learning and practicing his martial arts technique.  He is revered and remembered throughout the world as one of the best martial artists ever.  John McClane spent years in the NYPD going up against german douche-bag terrorists.  He even learned how to do it all with a hangover that gave him a really bad headache.  We remember him and his service to our great city and for saving the poor hostages in Nakatomi Plaza in California.  But then there's Justin fucking Timberlake who, for no goddamn reason at all, is great at everything he does.

Go eat a dick, Justin Timberlake!  And ey yo, Amanda Seyfried ima tweet you mah number.  Holla at cha boy. K?

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