December 02, 2011

The Twilight movies, people love em and others love to hate em.  Frankly, I just don't give a damn either way.  It's a soap opera with fuckin vampires and werewolves in it, what do you really expect from that?  Sure, maybe they bastardized the traditional idea of a vampire and yea...vampires that sparkle are kinda stupid but I was just bored one night so I watched it!  Ok!?  Is that alright with you!?  Stop judging me!!!  When have I ever judged you!?

So Breaking Dawn Part 1 starts off with Edward and Bella getting married.  Snore fest!!!  Woopty fuckin doo!  Nah but seriously yo, it was kinda cute though.  They were all in love and shit and I got mad jealous.  I hope one day I can have a wedding too and break my dad's one rule of "Don't get married."  Yea, Dad!  Did you hear that one?!  Just wait till that happens, it's gonna fuck your whole shit up, Dad!

Anyways, these vamps know how to throw a really baller ass the dead of night, of course!  They got it all, they got tables with really nice drapery, all the vampires are dressed really nice and they even got flowers on the tables I think.  To be honest, I don't even fuckin remember exactly.  I'm kinda talkin outta my ass right now but it was nice.

At one point Edward takes Bella off to a surprise!  He brings her to a secret meeting with know the werewolf dude that looks like a fuckin Alpaca.  Yea, that dude.  Bella is all like, "Oh Edward, what a great surprise!  This is the dude I'd be fuckin if you weren't around!"  I dunno if you guys are familiar with the twilight series but there's this sick disturbed love triangle going on between Bella, Edward and Jacob!  Jacob loves Bella but Bella loves Edward and Edward is all like "WHO DA MAN!?  NOT YOU JACOB, FUCK YOU!"   I can't help but to think that him letting Jacob meet Bella at their wedding was just his own little jab at Jacob.  Did I mention this is pretty much a soap opera?  Every time these three are on screen together I just wanna vom due to sheer anxiety and awkwardness.

After meeting Jacob, Edward and Bella bounce off to their honeymoon.  They jump in the Audi or some other expensive car, then to a private jet, then to a private boat and then they land on a private island!  I don't understand how the vampires are all so goddamned rich.  Is that a prerequisite to being a vampire or something?  You can't say they inherited the money because none of their relatives are really dying anytime soon.  Fuck, I wish I was a vampire except I get queasy at the sight of blood so I dunno if I could stomach it.

They spend their honeymoon, skinny dipping, playing chess and fucking like bunnies.  Eventually Bella gets pregnant which is something that apparently isn't supposed to happen when a vampire and a human have sex.  Either way, I just couldn't help but wonder why Edward didn't just use a condom.  Then again, I guess there wouldn't be much of movie if he did because you quickly learn that the whole damn movie is about this ho getting prego!  But it ain't no normal baby, it's some Rosemary's Baby shit.  She is nearly dying from the pregnancy because the baby is super powerful, growing at an incredible rate, and pretty much a freakin' demon!

Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 1 is essentially one of those MTV underage pregnancy shows except with vampires and werewolves.  The whole movie is Bella getting pregnant and everyone else trying to get her to abort it.  Edward even sends Jacob in to try and reason with her.  He's all like "Now listen bitch, this baby is gonna kill you!  You won't live to see it!" and she's all like "This is my baby and it's my body and it ain't nobody else's goddamn decision!"

At one point, I just sat there wondering, "Why the fuck am I here?"  I'm sitting alone in a theater all by myself, with a bag of cheez-its, watching a werewolf and a bunch of vampires try and convince this girl to abort her baby.  I could be anywhere else in the world, doing anything else but here I am.  Eating Cheez-it after Cheez-it, I just keep hoping that this poor girl will just abort this demon baby.

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