September 19, 2012

Expendables 2's greatest accomplishment is that it's not complete turd matter.  It really defies logic.  It doesn't make any sense that this movie wouldn't just completely suck fucking balls but it doesn't.  Sure, the acting leaves alot to be desired and there's more cheesy one liners than a human should have to endure but it somehow didn't annoy or drag at any point.  Although this may be true, if you think that means I'm not gonna bitch and moan about it...well think again.

I should probably start with the female lead in this film and how good she is at not acting well at all. I was stumped the whole time as I couldn't understand why they would cast her.  I began to wonder if they threw a contest giving away the lead female role in a random lottery and this stank ass ho won.

Not only is she not fun to look at, she couldn't act if her life depended on it.  Her face has only this one look that isn't conducive to the action film genre.  This bitch constantly looks bored and disgusted at the same time.  Her face permanently looks like she's smelling feces all around her yet she's strangely bored with it, as if everywhere she goes she's surrounded by turds on all sides and its just getting downright boring.  You're all amped up with all the gunshots and explosions going down but then you see this gals face amongst the action and its an instant buzzkill.

I don't even need to mention the totally coincidental stereotypical nonsense that happens in this movie but you sure as fuck know I will.  For example, about ten minutes into the movie the Expendables plane is coasting along the water with a huge wall ahead rapidly approaching but of course the plane won't take off.  Drama, suspense!...yea, suspense for a fucking dumbass.  Doesn't quite work when we're only ten minutes into the fucking movie.  As if the plane is gonna really crash, killing all the expendables and ending the film?

You know what?  That actually woulda made this movie one of my favorites of all time.  If that plane just hit that wall and exploded into a million pieces instantly killing all the Expendables it would've brought the biggest smile to my face.  Expendables 2 would've been the biggest fuck you to the Hollywood blockbuster action film and quite possibly the funniest film of all time but no, they take off and the mediocrity continues on.  I mean, yea sure, there's a bunch of action movies with the same scene but why bother putting it in your movie?  Does a songwriter just put in the same chorus in multiple songs cause they can't think of anything else? No, not unless they're Nickleback they don't.

I often felt like I was just watching gorillas or Cro-Magnon men play with guns.  At times I couldn't even understand what half these guys were  saying, sounded more like grunting at some points.  There's one scene where Lundgren smashes through a wall with this tank or some shit and, no joke, I really heard him scream out "9/11!"   I know for a fact Terry Crews screams "I've got your gang bang right here!" as he shoots people dead.  Clearly it's real quality dialogue we're getting here.

In conclusion this movie is not very good but, even with all its stupidity, it ain't very bad either.  It excels in mediocrity so I guess its got that going for it.  It also has Schwarzenegger screaming "Yippee-Ki-Yay" after Bruce Willis runs off saying "I'll be back" so i guess that's cool?

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