February 23, 2013

I'm sitting here watching Die Hard with a Vengeance right now trying to replace my last memory of John McClane.  Last time I saw this guy he was looking for his ungrateful prick bastard of a son in Russia in the new Die Hard film, A Good Day to Die Hard.  Since I dabble in masochism I could not resist watching it.  I don't think anyone wants to see a John McClane trying to rekindle his relationship with his son, especially if he doesn't have anything witty/badass to say while doing it.

To me, the charm of the original Die Hard films is McClane's "no fucks given" attitude.  He doesn't really wanna save the world, there's just nobody else around to do it.  He is cool as fuck, he is the anti-hero.  My favorite John McClane has to be the hung over, job on the rocks, "my wife hates me" McClane from Die Hard with a Vengence, so I'm watching that now.  I think I like this McClane because he reminds me of my father and I can dig that.

I really feel like A Good Day to Die Hard wasn't even written as a Die Hard film to begin with.  It seems more like the studio just had a collection of unused action film scripts, pulled this one out, made the main characters name John McClane and called it a Die Hard movie.  It doesn't walk, talk or act like a Die Hard film and that's just sad.

I think the big mistake with these new Die Hard films is that they've made McClane into a superhero.  Sure, in the original trilogy he is unstoppable but its way more believable and way less fantastical.  There's no reason why John McClane should be on top of a fighter plane riding it like its a fucking mechanical bull but they did it.  It's much more believable and fun to watch McClane do insane shit like driving a car THROUGH Central Park or jumping off a building with a fire hose tied to his waist, then swinging back in through a window and being all like "hahaha, sup bitches, I'm back!"  You don't have to make the mother fucker completely defy logic to have fun with the character.

So now McClane is looking for his son who just so happens to be a spy in Russia.  Of course when McClane shows up the shit hits the fan and the line "I'm supposed to be on vacation!" , or something of the sort, is used over and over and it wasn't that funny to begin with.  This is about as witty as his dialogue gets.

I say it time and time again, there's nothing more boring than endless action and this film does that well.  It's constant carnage and property damage and that's about it.  It's boring, it's repetitive and it's forgettable.  I walk out of the modern day action film and I forget most of the shit that even happened.  It's just an explosion after explosion, dead guy after dead guy.  It's always the same parlor tricks, the same shoot outs, the same car chases, the same, the same, the same.  It's like getting a value meal at McDonald's, it's the same mediocre food every time.  You could close your eyes right now and imagine it exactly as it will be.

Maybe there's something wrong with me.  It seems like people enjoy this stuff, like we somehow all forgot what a good movie is.  I mean for fucks sake, people will pay to see Fast and the Furious 9,999 and they'll actually like it.  Maybe I'm not getting it.  What's wrong with me?

There is one good thing about the new Die Hard though...

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