June 15, 2013

I was really looking forward to this one, you guys, that was my first mistake. My second mistake was driving to the theater, buying a ticket for The Purge and wasting an hour and a half of my life watching it. This movie sucking fucks. It's about a family of four idiots who have to put their pea brains together and try to survive a night of sheer terror. The US government decided it was a good idea to allow twelve hours of complete anarchy once a year. The rest of the year everything is magically sunshine, titties, and fuckin flowers.

There's a hot girl in the movie so at least we can look at her stupid mug. She's a dimwit though just likes her idiot father. He sells high end security systems to the rest of the rich families in their neighborhood. These security systems ain't too fucking secure though. A bunch of rich white people wanna get in their house and kill them and the moms all like "Hey, dumb fuck, we're safe, right? They can't get in, right? Our daughter is really hot, right?" Then the dads all like "Listen, these security systems are basically just for show. I dunno why you're even worrying about this, just sit back and die." I mean what the fuck, man. They shoulda called this movie "A Family of Four Fuckos Try Not To Die".


Come to think of it,  they shoulda called it "Our Idiot Son" because it's all his fault these psychopaths wanna come in the house anyway. I guess little Charlie wasn't thinking too clearly when he let in this screaming bum from the street. This guy was being hunted by the mob of  psychotic white people and, because he was let into the house, now the whole family is on their shit list too.  Now if the bum looked like his sister and was screaming "Im cold and lonely out here with not even one person to screw! Somebody please have sex with me!" That would be a different story and a better movie. And probably would be a porno.  And probably would be weird for him to do that because she looks like his sister.

I can already imagine the porn version of this movie. The bum screaming for help outside the house, the son looking out the window with the hungriest of eyes.  Young Charlie, now 18 because of all those anti child porn laws, sees what this bum is selling and he's ready to pay top dollar to tap dat.  Charlie lets the bum in and this homeless man seduces every member of the family into a gang bang for the ages.  Then those rich white folk show up and they are so DTF (down to fuck).  They bust open the door with a battering ram that's actually a 50 foot dildo.  Then the largest orgy in porn history goes down, starring all your favorite porn stars and the sister would be played by the chick that played the sister in The Purge.  The whole porn industry under one roof, and they are going at it like you never seen before. I mean people are fucking all over the place...the couches, the floors, the counter tops, there's people in the tub, in the pool, there's people fucking on the ceiling.  The only place they don't fuck is on the beds because that's pussy vanilla shit.  Logic has gone out the window, bitches. There's no law and order, it's all about carnal pleasures. You entered Sodom and Gomorrah when you pressed play on this shit.


Anyways, The Purge offers nothing more than what you get from watching the trailer.  The acting is pretty flat across the board and the dude that plays the leader of the angry rich white folk is really annoying.  He keeps doing this creepy smile but it just comes off really over the top and lame.  I get that people use these twelve hours to get out all of their hatred but some of these people are played way over the top. This movie had a really good idea but ultimately doesn't deliver on any level really.  They took a good premise and turned into a lackluster home invasion movie.

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