Jack Frost or Quite Possibly The Most Depressing Christmas Movie Ever Made.

I’m really trying to get into the Christmas spirit but it ain't easy. All the traffic, long lines and shitty Christmas music can be a real bummer but luckily there’s a bunch of great Christmas movies to make up for it. Jack Frost is not one of those movies, I watched it for the first time and it's completely fucked.

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There's a sub-genre of Christmas movies that I like to call the "Deadbeat Dad" sub-genre. You know, the ones where the father is a shitty human being all year long and has to make up for it on Christmas. Unfortunately for his family, he can't even pretend to be a good dad for just one day. It’s always something with these fuck ups, either they’re putting in too many hours at the office or they're divorced and barely around at all. Sometimes both parents are complete wastes of life. For example, Home Alone where they somehow left a child behind and, of course, Home Alone 2 where they somehow did it again. It’s tragic, really.

Jack Frost would fall into this sub-genre, but I'd argue that Jack is actually a great parent. Sure, he has to tour with his band every now and then and, yea, he does have poor time management skills but I don't think his wife and kid give him enough credit. He's a real rad dude that makes cool snowmen with his son, Charlie. He even remembers to put a branch in for its dick. It’s just never good enough for his family.

Anytime he has to tour or go into the studio his wife and Charlie turn on him. There’s an endless barrage of shit tossed in his general direction. I mean, jeez, it’s not bad enough he has to be away from his family but they gotta make him feel guilty about it too.

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Maybe Dad should be a garbage man or a postal worker. Yea, that’d be fuckin perfect! Let dear old dad slave away at a job he hates so that he can come to every one of your stupid ass hockey games. Who cares about his lifelong goals and aspirations, as long as lil Charlie’s happy. "Me, me, me, me", fuckin typical twelve year old mentality. Maybe Dad would show up to your games if you scored a fuckin goal for once in your life. Come to think of it, he’s probably embarrassed. Yea that’s right, you play like shit and me and daddy know it. We don't wanna go to your fuckin game, OK? We're too busy in the studio, wearing our big boy responsibility pants and laying down hot fire. Why don't you call us when your balls drop, fucko!

Like all these "deadbeat dad" Christmas movies, something always comes up that interferes with the precious Christmas plans. God forbid if the family had to sacrifice one fuckin Christmas so dad could audition for a record company. Oh how fuckin tragic that would be! "No daddy, fuck your dreams and fuck financial security! Stay here and watch me open up all these gifts that I clearly don't deserve." Fuckin Disgusting.

Luckily, Jack makes the right choice. He tells his wife and kid to go suck a fat fuckin' egg as he drives off into the sunset flipping them the bird. It woulda been a thing of beauty if he just kept on driving but of course he turns back halfway, gets caught in a snowstorm, drives his car off a cliff and dies.

I really didn’t see that one coming. Sure, I knew the plot, I’m not stupid. I’ve seen the poster for the movie, he clearly turns into a snowman at one point. I just thought they were gonna go the safe route, you know, the one that doesn’t incorporate the death of a child's father on Christmas eve.

I figured the dad would wake up on Christmas morning as a snowman, he'd find out that it was his needy son that made the wish and only after their relationship was fully restored would he then return to his human body. A Christmas miracle! But no, the sick bastards that wrote this movie clearly had a different plan!

On the one year anniversary of Jacks death, Charlie builds a snowman in the likeness of his dad. This is easily one of the saddest scenes I have ever witnessed in a Christmas movie. Oh, and as if it wasn‘t heart wrenching enough, Fleetwood Mac’s Landslide plays over the whole fuckin thing.

Jack Frost's deceased being awakens as the snowman and he’s like ok with it. I’m constantly amazed at how quickly characters accept such fantastical situations in movies. I know they gotta keep the plot moving but they don’t really question stuff at all. It’s just like “Welp, I‘m just gonna be a snowman now, I guess these things happen.”

It’s not bad enough that this guy died, but now he can’t even rest in peace. He’s trapped in some twisted purgatory, all he wanted to do was go home to his wife and kid and now he is but he’s a fuckin snowman who has to slide/hop around the earth. Sure, he can see his wife again but he can’t fuck her or anything. Last time I checked women don’t like to get fucked by snowmen with branch dicks. Also, Jacks bandmate is strangely hanging around with his wife and kid all the time. Like, what’s going on there? Are they seeing each other? Jack has to get woken from his eternal slumber to take the form of a snowman and watch his bandmate try to get in his wife’s pants.

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Anyways, Charlie quickly gets over the fact that an anthropomorphic snowman is creeping around his front yard and comes to realize that it’s actually his dead dad, which somehow totally makes it ok. Then they do what any possessed snowman and son would do…they throw snowballs, they sled and snowboard, practice hockey and shoot the shit.

I started to wonder if this was all some fucked up dream or maybe Charlie was just losing his mind. Then some other people actually saw the snowman so I knew it wasn’t just in his head. They could have saved this movie from being so damn sad if they just made it all a dream. But no, at the end of it, dad’s still dead.

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After like two days of hanging out with his only son, Jack Frost is just like “Alright, enough of this shit. I‘m ready to go back to being dead again.” He’s just about to dip when mommy finally discovers him for herself. Of course, she doesn’t question it because, you know, why would you?! It’s only your deceased husband channeling the body of a snowman, no big deal! After their unrealistic interaction, and total lack of questioning on the moms part, Jack just up and vanishes into thin air.

Some people really get their jollies off by watching others suffer. Those people should run home and watch this movie as soon as humanly possible. For the rest of us non-sadists, steer clear of this fuckin thing.

P.S. Henry Rollins plays a small role in this movie too, he screams alot.